(Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar II, Generalized Anxiety Disorder together all feel liiiiike…)
*This is not a set explanation of how ALL people with these illnesses feel; just my own personal experience! Also, if you dislike the use of the word “crazy”, here’s your trigger warning.*
All of this behavior is stuff I thought was just me personally and not due to a mental illness until I found a friend with the same diagnosis. Now I know this is perfectly normal and I want those of you suffering from the isolating feeling of being crazy to know that this is okay.
- First things first, this one is the most awkward symptom that fills me with the most self-loathing: BPD and bipolar make you extremely impulsive and flighty. I constantly want to cheat. No, I don’t want to hurt my SO. Yes, I love my SO very much. No, I don’t like the people I have these thoughts about. The shitty thing is that if I’m feeling manic, like I do every other week or two, I become obsessed with an infatuation, usually with a person I have zero interest in normally. I try my best to stifle it, but it’s still there. It’s horrible to be enjoying time with your love and only being able to think about fucking some stranger that isn’t even your type. After expressing this to my therapist, I was informed this is 100% normal for someone with my diagnosis and that it’s fine to have these thoughts; just not to act on them. I have never, ever told one of the “other” people that I’ve wondered how they taste and I plan to keep it that way. Don’t tell you SO about this side effect unless you’re 110% sure they’ll be understanding. This can easily trash a relationship, hence the massive unstable relationships us BABs sufferers have. Just.. tread lightly sharing your thoughts on this. TBH I’m a giant nerd and have channeled this urge purely in to Fallout 4 companions (like MacCready).
- My whole life I’ve been made to feel horrible about my temper and emotional outbursts. I’ve learned to deal with them a little better over the years, but sometimes I still explode without knowing why. Sometimes I’m already yelling before I feel anger. Sometimes I’m crying over tomatoes. It really is frustrating to have such little self-control no matter how much you work at it and try your best to be “stable.” While it’s important to work on these issues actively, it’s not good to beat yourself up over it. Let your loved ones know how you feel and maybe send them this link (for BPD) or this one (for bipolar). Perhaps with these links and conversations stemming from them, your friends/family can finally understand you and your feelings.
- Sometimes I have no idea who in the hell I am. Distorted self-image and self-perception are also common. Some days I think I am the hottest woman to have ever lived, other days I think I’m a disgusting pig who should hide her fat forever. Sometimes I know exactly what my interests are and what I like, sometimes I feel boring like I’m a lump with no personality. This all may be normal to people without mental disorders, but this is intensified a lot when you have BPD and/or bipolar disorder. I don’t have any cool or profound way to cope with this or deal with it, so please share if you do.
- Obsessions. Dude. So many obsessions. Everyone has interests and some are stronger than others, which is awesome. With personality disorders, it’s really easy to get completely immersed in a fictional universe and allow yourself to be consumed by it. (Fallout 4… cough… cough…) I always felt really weird about being the only one of my friends who would get so intensely obsessed with things, but it turns out it’s normal for me. It’s just how my brain works, I guess. This, however, is not something I want to erase or “fix” ;P
- Dissociating is the weeeeeeirdest feeling but I kinda like it. Imagine that inside your head is like a stadium theater and the backs of your eyes are the screen. Usually, I’m front row and taking everything in because I’m there. When I dissociate, I move to the back row and do my own thing in there. The embodiment of me goes on autopilot so I’ll have conversations, do my job (correctly, even!), go to class, do homework, etc. but I won’t feel like I’m participating. It’s more like watching a really entrancing TV show and watching things from the main character’s POV. It makes you feel like you’ve missed out on a few events of your life, but it’s also kind of necessary if you need your space and aren’t allowed to have it at that time. I like it because I essentially “ignore” my entire day and don’t have to deal with reality. Obviously, that isn’t healthy, though.
I’ll make another post if anyone’s interested. I lost focus and my will to write right now. Yay mood swings! I’m in the middle of weaning off of depression meds to go on to bipolar meds so this happens a lot currently.
Share your thoughts/comments/questions 🙂
I could always use more coping methods and stress relief! Feel free to send.