It would seem that happiness isn’t meant for everyone. Some, like myself, are here to serve others and never feel the joy of having their own family or their own intrinsic value.
I’m only valuable in what I can offer others.
Every time I’ve been given the chance to have a family I give it away or sabotage it. Everyone who has ever loved me has had their hearts crushed to a pulp for essentially no reason other than me being crazy. Not to mention how cursed my womb is. Every time I get a chance to have my own little ray of sunshine it goes away. Every time. Every job I get, every opportunity… burned to nothing.
I no longer have hope for a career or a family or friends. All I’m going to do is dedicate myself to finding a cure for the mental illnesses I have. I can’t live with others suffering like I’ve suffered. I have to try to fix it for them even if I can’t fix it for myself.
There is no more hope. No more trying for anything for myself. I’m done with that.
It’s time to simply focus on working for a cure for others. Soon I’ll be in a school that’ll help me get my PhD in psychology and maybe someday people will have a better form of help than what’s available right now. Right now therapy and medications don’t seem to fucking work so it’s time to change the entire system. If I can’t have the help I need, fine. But I need others in the future to have it.
Here’s to hoping I can make a difference.
My mind is deteriorating so much and it’s beyond frustrating. The average person is so shitty at understanding mental illness and its effects. It’s not like I want to be late to work or forget my schedule. I’m not trying to make all sorts of medical appointments during work hours. I can only do so much with Medicaid approved facilities… I have to bend to their schedule availability. I can’t help or change that (unless I want to risk a tooth infection going septic and killing me or enduring massive amounts of pain from various other medical issues).
I’ve made a request for ADA Reasonable Accommodations at work. My doctor won’t sign off on it because they say a psychiatrist needs to. My psychiatrist is an asshole who doesn’t listen to me when I tell him my reactions to medications and medication withdrawals (and also made a bad decision for me medication-wise that ultimately led to me attempting suicide) so I don’t trust him to sign off on it either. Plus, it takes 8-10 weeks to even get an appointment.
Being poor is bullshit.
Being mentally ill is bullshit.
Suffering at work because everyone thinks you’re crazy and shouldn’t work there sucks. Especially when my supervisor with recently acquired brain damage gets so much sympathy and special treatment. We both have sick brains on the mend. Mine wasn’t from a physical injury though, so fuck me, right?
(Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar II, Generalized Anxiety Disorder together all feel liiiiike…)
*This is not a set explanation of how ALL people with these illnesses feel; just my own personal experience! Also, if you dislike the use of the word “crazy”, here’s your trigger warning.*
All of this behavior is stuff I thought was just me personally and not due to a mental illness until I found a friend with the same diagnosis. Now I know this is perfectly normal and I want those of you suffering from the isolating feeling of being crazy to know that this is okay.
- First things first, this one is the most awkward symptom that fills me with the most self-loathing: BPD and bipolar make you extremely impulsive and flighty. I constantly want to cheat. No, I don’t want to hurt my SO. Yes, I love my SO very much. No, I don’t like the people I have these thoughts about. The shitty thing is that if I’m feeling manic, like I do every other week or two, I become obsessed with an infatuation, usually with a person I have zero interest in normally. I try my best to stifle it, but it’s still there. It’s horrible to be enjoying time with your love and only being able to think about fucking some stranger that isn’t even your type. After expressing this to my therapist, I was informed this is 100% normal for someone with my diagnosis and that it’s fine to have these thoughts; just not to act on them. I have never, ever told one of the “other” people that I’ve wondered how they taste and I plan to keep it that way. Don’t tell you SO about this side effect unless you’re 110% sure they’ll be understanding. This can easily trash a relationship, hence the massive unstable relationships us BABs sufferers have. Just.. tread lightly sharing your thoughts on this. TBH I’m a giant nerd and have channeled this urge purely in to Fallout 4 companions (like MacCready).
- My whole life I’ve been made to feel horrible about my temper and emotional outbursts. I’ve learned to deal with them a little better over the years, but sometimes I still explode without knowing why. Sometimes I’m already yelling before I feel anger. Sometimes I’m crying over tomatoes. It really is frustrating to have such little self-control no matter how much you work at it and try your best to be “stable.” While it’s important to work on these issues actively, it’s not good to beat yourself up over it. Let your loved ones know how you feel and maybe send them this link (for BPD) or this one (for bipolar). Perhaps with these links and conversations stemming from them, your friends/family can finally understand you and your feelings.
- Sometimes I have no idea who in the hell I am. Distorted self-image and self-perception are also common. Some days I think I am the hottest woman to have ever lived, other days I think I’m a disgusting pig who should hide her fat forever. Sometimes I know exactly what my interests are and what I like, sometimes I feel boring like I’m a lump with no personality. This all may be normal to people without mental disorders, but this is intensified a lot when you have BPD and/or bipolar disorder. I don’t have any cool or profound way to cope with this or deal with it, so please share if you do.
- Obsessions. Dude. So many obsessions. Everyone has interests and some are stronger than others, which is awesome. With personality disorders, it’s really easy to get completely immersed in a fictional universe and allow yourself to be consumed by it. (Fallout 4… cough… cough…) I always felt really weird about being the only one of my friends who would get so intensely obsessed with things, but it turns out it’s normal for me. It’s just how my brain works, I guess. This, however, is not something I want to erase or “fix” ;P
- Dissociating is the weeeeeeirdest feeling but I kinda like it. Imagine that inside your head is like a stadium theater and the backs of your eyes are the screen. Usually, I’m front row and taking everything in because I’m there. When I dissociate, I move to the back row and do my own thing in there. The embodiment of me goes on autopilot so I’ll have conversations, do my job (correctly, even!), go to class, do homework, etc. but I won’t feel like I’m participating. It’s more like watching a really entrancing TV show and watching things from the main character’s POV. It makes you feel like you’ve missed out on a few events of your life, but it’s also kind of necessary if you need your space and aren’t allowed to have it at that time. I like it because I essentially “ignore” my entire day and don’t have to deal with reality. Obviously, that isn’t healthy, though.
I’ll make another post if anyone’s interested. I lost focus and my will to write right now. Yay mood swings! I’m in the middle of weaning off of depression meds to go on to bipolar meds so this happens a lot currently.
Share your thoughts/comments/questions 🙂
I could always use more coping methods and stress relief! Feel free to send.