BPD + BII + GAD =

(Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar II, Generalized Anxiety Disorder together all feel liiiiike…)

*This is not a set explanation of how ALL people with these illnesses feel; just my own personal experience! Also, if you dislike the use of the word “crazy”, here’s your trigger warning.*

All of this behavior is stuff I thought was just me personally and not due to a mental illness until I found a friend with the same diagnosis. Now I know this is perfectly normal and I want those of you suffering from the isolating feeling of being crazy to know that this is okay.

  • First things first, this one is the most awkward symptom that fills me with the most self-loathing: BPD and bipolar make you extremely impulsive and flighty. I constantly want to cheat. No, I don’t want to hurt my SO. Yes, I love my SO very much. No, I don’t like the people I have these thoughts about. The shitty thing is that if I’m feeling manic, like I do every other week or two, I become obsessed with an infatuation, usually with a person I have zero interest in normally. I try my best to stifle it, but it’s still there. It’s horrible to be enjoying time with your love and only being able to think about fucking some stranger that isn’t even your type. After expressing this to my therapist, I was informed this is 100% normal for someone with my diagnosis and that it’s fine to have these thoughts; just not to act on them. I have never, ever told one of the “other” people that I’ve wondered how they taste and I plan to keep it that way. Don’t tell you SO about this side effect unless you’re 110% sure they’ll be understanding. This can easily trash a relationship, hence the massive unstable relationships us BABs sufferers have. Just.. tread lightly sharing your thoughts on this. TBH I’m a giant nerd and have channeled this urge purely in to Fallout 4 companions (like MacCready).
  • My whole life I’ve been made to feel horrible about my temper and emotional outbursts. I’ve learned to deal with them a little better over the years, but sometimes I still explode without knowing why. Sometimes I’m already yelling before I feel anger. Sometimes I’m crying over tomatoes. It really is frustrating to have such little self-control no matter how much you work at it and try your best to be “stable.” While it’s important to work on these issues actively, it’s not good to beat yourself up over it. Let your loved ones know how you feel and maybe send them this link (for BPD) or this one (for bipolar). Perhaps with these links and conversations stemming from them, your friends/family can finally understand you and your feelings.
  • Sometimes I have no idea who in the hell I am. Distorted self-image and self-perception are also common. Some days I think I am the hottest woman to have ever lived, other days I think I’m a disgusting pig who should hide her fat forever. Sometimes I know exactly what my interests are and what I like, sometimes I feel boring like I’m a lump with no personality. This all may be normal to people without mental disorders, but this is intensified a lot when you have BPD and/or bipolar disorder. I don’t have any cool or profound way to cope with this or deal with it, so please share if you do.
  • Obsessions. Dude. So many obsessions. Everyone has interests and some are stronger than others, which is awesome. With personality disorders, it’s really easy to get completely immersed in a fictional universe and allow yourself to be consumed by it. (Fallout 4… cough… cough…) I always felt really weird about being the only one of my friends who would get so intensely obsessed with things, but it turns out it’s normal for me. It’s just how my brain works, I guess. This, however, is not something I want to erase or “fix” ;P
  • Dissociating is the weeeeeeirdest feeling but I kinda like it. Imagine that inside your head is like a stadium theater and the backs of your eyes are the screen. Usually, I’m front row and taking everything in because I’m there. When I dissociate, I move to the back row and do my own thing in there. The embodiment of me goes on autopilot so I’ll have conversations, do my job (correctly, even!), go to class, do homework, etc. but I won’t feel like I’m participating. It’s more like watching a really entrancing TV show and watching things from the main character’s POV. It makes you feel like you’ve missed out on a few events of your life, but it’s also kind of necessary if you need your space and aren’t allowed to have it at that time. I like it because I essentially “ignore” my entire day and don’t have to deal with reality. Obviously, that isn’t healthy, though.

I’ll make another post if anyone’s interested. I lost focus and my will to write right now. Yay mood swings! I’m in the middle of weaning off of depression meds to go on to bipolar meds so this happens a lot currently.

 

Share your thoughts/comments/questions 🙂

I could always use more coping methods and stress relief! Feel free to send.

SURPRIIIIIISE

I’m not depressed, I’m bipolar (II) and have borderline personality disorder. And asthma and allergies to literally everything that makes me happy (cats, beer, nature in fucking general).

Another surpruiiiiiiiisiieieieie: love of my life says they might not be able to cope with my mental illnesses ~~

Also: fuck everything and kill me please 🙂

Letters Never Sent, 7.

I’m working on a new sporadic segment that will be a series of letters that I never plan to send. Writing is therapy for me. Names will be either omitted or changed for the sake of legal issues that could potentially arise. These will be personal, they will be honest, and they will be heartfelt. My life is an open book.

Letter #7

Dear Cluck,

I get it. In our teen years I was not nice or cool to anyone, even you. We became best friends again after I stopped being a piece of shit. I thought we were fine and had something good going again. A fifteen year friendship shouldn’t be broken that easily, right?

I’ve spent the past 5 years doing everything I possibly can to love and support you. Every time you came to town, I’d clear my schedule entirely and wait for you to tell me what my plans were for that week. Every time, I’d be one of the first you’d come see (awesome!) and you’d try to make sure we saw each other a 2nd time (or that’s what you’d say, anyway). And yet, when I’d say I’d be down to tag along for anything at all, you still neglected to invite me to things. Then you’d tell me all these crazy fun times you had with your other friends. (You know, the other friends that you’ve always acted like I’m not cool enough to even meet.) And you’d have the nerve to say “You would’ve had so much fun! I wish you could’ve gone!” I could have. If you’d asked. But I’d smile, laugh, talk with you about it anyway because we’re BFFs.

Throughout your trip to another continent (2.5 years of strained contact) I missed you so much more than I knew I could miss someone. I sent you support at every possible minute and flooded you with love to the point where I worried about annoying you. But, you said you loved it and to keep it coming. So I did.

Then you finally move back to the US and I think I’ll finally get to see you again. Nope. Here for a short time then off to another state. During that time you were constantly too busy with your other friends (as usual). Across the world, I thought you sucked at texting because you can’t get internet in the middle of a tribal village and mud hut. Turns out, you just don’t think as highly of me as I do of you. You actually texted me more in Africa than you do in America.

Since you’ve moved you’ve been a complete shit friend. Completely shit. I handled it for a year now, trying my best to be understanding and to give you space. Then I had a horrid night where I tried to kill myself (yay mental illness). You were the only person I thought could help me come out of it. I reached out to you. You initially gave some concern and wanted to make sure I’m alive (which is obviously great). Then, you quickly continued to say you’re too busy with your other friend’s depression to even bother trying to help me out. Essentially, I got a big “well, that sucks, but you’re not that important to me and I don’t want to make time for you.” I was crushed.

I gave you three chances to make it up to me. Twice, I scheduled phone calls so we can talk about why I wanted to kill myself. Since you’re my best friend, I thought that would be normal. But no, you blew off each plan we had for a phone call and continued to go anywhere from days to weeks to reply to me. Then you started to only want to talk if I was being positive. So I faked it for a bit. Then, on the very last chance, I decided to not answer you and see what you’d do. You blew that, too. We haven’t talked for a month.

I spent every day thinking of you and how much it hurt to care more about you than you do about me. Every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

And today.. today I got the last straw. After days and days of being hurt about you blowing me off multiple times and failing every communication test I’d given you, you tell me that you realized we hadn’t talked because you forgot to reply to me. Oh, fucking FINALLY you grace me with the fucking gift of your gracious concern. I reply to tell you (as nicely as possible in this situation) that you have left me feeling hurt and uncared about and that I’m still mad about it. Then worst of fucking all…

K

After all of this. After everything I’ve done to bend over backwards for your friendship with less and less reciprocation, you act like I’m the one at fault and like I deserve you being even worse to me.

 

You are dead to me.

fire walk with me

It’s so hard to have such a deep craving and not be able to articulate what you’re craving. I simply don’t know. All I know is that my chest aches and my body feels heavy. My mind is trying to break. My soul wants to be free.

How can you live so closely with others in society but feel so isolated?

Others are around me, always. In my mind I’m stuck in solitary confinement. Daydreams and fantasies are all I want in there with me. Reality is harsh and unwelcoming. Withdrawing is my go-to. Is it helping? I can’t say.

So many experiences in life that I want to have but they’re… dark. I can’t tell others what I want to feel, what I want to see. Enticing, seductive… the darkness tickles me. I need to know that these feelings are okay and that I shouldn’t cram them down in to my subconscious anymore.

It’s like being split in to two people.
One half of me is the Hermione-esque full time student with a 4.0 GPA. She has friends and is social. She has a great job and her coworkers love her. Her relationship is pure and stable. Her family is welcoming and loving.
The other half is completely different. She hates being around other humans. She tried to kill herself last month and only left ugly scars in a highly visible place. She craves pain and control. She’s sexually deviant and can’t indulge for fear of losing her romantic relationship. She’s completely alone.

How can the two be merged? How can the two cooperate? How can I resolve this cognitive dissonance?

All I know is that I can’t keep going forward as long as this turmoil is ripping my insides to pieces. I can’t keep fighting myself like this.

Who am I really and who do I want to be?

What did I do?

No “pleases” or “thank yous”?
I must’ve done something wrong again.
No “have a nice day” or “I love you”?
I must’ve done something wrong again.
You slammed the door as you left.
I must’ve done something wrong again.
Then you chose to ignore my text.
I must’ve done something wrong again.
You didn’t come home tonight.
I must’ve done something wrong again.
No “I’ll be home” messages.
I must’ve done something wrong again.

memes and emojis

I don’t even know how to communicate with people anymore; not on that deep level that develops close friendships.

Sad? Here’s an entire work day wasted on Imgur looking at memes about apathy and depression. (Ok, some animal gifs, too.)

Lonely? Send emojis to fucking everybody and get no responses.

My phone call history is 98% spam calls/wrong number calls.

Sure, some classmates talk to me and act civil. Any time I see them outside of class they avert their eyes or just give that extremely obvious “mm” nod at everything I say. Am I really that pathetic and annoying? Is there no way to meet new people who are like me?

Sometimes I wonder if this is a personality flaw. Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high. Sometimes I wonder if the world has simply devolved into meaningless conversations and memes instead of focusing on connecting with people.

My self-esteem isn’t great but there is no way I’m as lame as I get treated.

 

/anotheruselesspostaboutnothing

Letters Never Sent, 5.

I’m working on a new sporadic segment that will be a series of letters that I never plan to send. Writing is therapy for me. Names will be either omitted or changed for the sake of legal issues that could potentially arise. These will be personal, they will be honest, and they will be heartfelt. My life is an open book.

Letter #5

Dear Mom,

I have never felt like I thank you enough. Sure, some of your decisions were less-than-great but we all have learning curves. You did exceptionally well for being such a young single mother. We all make mistakes and there is no manual on parenting that covers every single possibility, yet you still did better than most do.

Mom, you have always been an inspiration to me. Watching you struggle to make my childhood seem lavish and comfortable never appeared strenuous to me (except the one or maybe two times I saw you cry from stress). You always seemed to have everything planned and under control. We went on vacations, we went to festivals, we tried new restaurants, we always had family gatherings for every holiday (no matter how small). Now I know that you couldn’t afford half of it but you still made it work to make sure I had a wonderful childhood.

No words can express my shame in regards to how I acted in my teen years. No one deserves to have their kids talk to them like that (yet, sadly, most have it happen anyway). I can make any number of excuses to rationalize that awful behavior, but I won’t. I will simply say that I truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

Having you as a best friend now that I’m “all grown up” has been such a gift to me. Hearing your friends compare me to you is the greatest honor I have ever had bestowed upon me. Looking like you is a gift, but truly showing that I have inherited your personality and morality is a pride beyond measure. You’re my support through all of my hardships.

 

You’re my hero and I love you.

struggling to juggle the schedule

Although unemployed at the moment, I am having the most difficult time juggling my responsibilities. School is wonderful but it is much farther away since I have moved last week. I now have an additional two hour round-trip drive to account for each day. I am also much farther away from my beloved and it is taking its toll on both of us.

Being in a positive environment helps immensely. Thoughts toward betterment are always on my mind. Soon things will be better.

catching a break

Twice in the past year I have been quite suddenly kicked out of where I was living. The first time was due to a failed engagement. That is a story for another day.

This time it was due to my roommate taking her never-ending anger out on me after a spat with her teenage daughter as I walked in the front door. Within seconds I was being berated by this ~50 year old woman (with the emotional capacity of a 6 year old). I bet you’re curious how she focused that on me. Even if you’re not, I need to get it out.

Let me paint a picture of the environment I was in for the past 8 months. After being left for a teenager, I was kicked out of a home that I had helped to purchase. In desperation, I found a great deal on a room for rent in a location close to my job and my college. Upon meeting this woman, she dumped her entire divorce story on me within minutes. (Red flag number one; take note, kids.) I had three days left to be out of the house I was in. I thought “how bad could this be? I am already at rock bottom.” The night I moved in, I discovered that the restroom had no door. No, not even a makeshift one. Immediately, I put up a shower rod and curtain since I was sharing the basement with her son (my age) that openly showed attraction to me. (Until I expressed my extreme lack of interest.) My bedroom doorknob had a smear of dried blood on it (red flag two, red flag two!) and the room itself had a giant hole in the ceiling. I thought I would only be there for a month or so. I grew attached to her teenage daughter and felt so sorry for her being treated so badly by her mother. After a while, I became too dependent on living there. The frequency of screaming tantrums and each person in the house on a different sleep schedule created a negative vortex that I hadn’t noticed before. If I was happy enough to be energetic and singing, I still couldn’t stay out of the drama. The basement was filthy, the shower moldy. The owner of the house kept delaying printing a rental agreement (red flag three) and I allowed it in the hopes that I could bail at any time if things got bad. She allowed her friend to move in (without asking her children or paying roommate) while her friend went through rehab for meth. Until a checkbook and some items went missing.

You know, I could go on forever with the insane events I witnessed under that roof. I am too exhausted. I’ll bring it up to speed and tell you what began The Fight. Yesterday, I had a potential job interview (currently I’m making $5,000 annually) before my classes for the day. After waking up, I went to the restroom and grabbed my toothbrush. I turned the faucet and, you guessed it, no water. In this day and age you have to go months and months without paying your water bill before service is shut off completely. During the time I was there I saw more and more new things brought home (including a new cable service and internet provider; resulting in a $200 fee to cancel from the previous providers) and I never knew to worry about utilities. It would seem that some households value media over water. When confronted with why my rent money was not helping me have basic things like WATER, she immediately began calling me the worst names you can say to someone. Generally, I can kill people with kindness thanks to past call center jobs. This woman has a complete mental block against social cues and will shout over you after demanding answers. I have only screamed at three people in my life out of anger and boy did she get an earful. That was around 8:00pm. Due to the lack of rental agreements on paper, I was given 48 hours to vacate. Knowing just how extreme this woman is and how petty she is, I didn’t want to stay for one more second. I packed up and left. This morning I went back for my bigger belongings while enduring constant texts in all caps about how stupid and crazy I am. Yes, me. I am the crazy one without good decision making skills.

I’m now living in my grandparent’s beautiful home and I feel very welcome. This house is enormous; I basically have an entire downstairs apartment. If only I could have moved here sooner. My cousin has just recently moved out, freeing up this area.

This brings me to why my title is about catching a break. This abrupt upheaval, while stressful, has brought me to a place that will not suck the happiness from my heart. I will open the door to my loving grandparents and be able to maintain my happiness. It is such a change from the suffocating despair at the last two places I’ve lived. I am finally catching a break on rent, emotional suffering, and fear.

When you hit rock bottom, you can always find a way to fall farther. If you make that choice, you will become the sad woman (or man) who only knows anger. What you can do is remind yourself that you are no longer in that hurtful situation. You are now going to be moving forward and finding your peace. Love and happiness always win no matter how much your sadness denies it. You WILL prevail.