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Sitting at the red light listening to Goodbye Graceful, my car suddenly reverted to my ’96 Acura Legend. My trademark platinum hair wears a headband with a bow, just like it did a decade ago. I looked down and was surprised to see today’s skinny jeans instead of my ’06 skull and crossbone leggings (yes, they also had neon hearts and lightning bolts) with a denim skirt. Still wearing the flats and a skull-covered sweater. Not a lot has changed, I guess. But for a moment, as I sat there, I was 16 again. I could smell the aroma of my old car: cigarettes, weed, and a faint hint of Vick’s Vapo Rub underneath it all. I was tempted to toss my bangs back in the typical old emo flip and blast my screamo music, not caring who it annoys. Then reality kicked in.

I may be almost 30, but sometimes I’m still 16.

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halloween highs

I haven’t felt this manic in weeks (ha! mental illness humor). Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

Halloween is usually the only time of year where I feel truly like myself. This is when I can let myself be free. Wearing dark, tattered clothes and putting on grungy/smeared makeup makes me feel like Alexis again. Throughout the year I have to look professional for work and my academic societies; being myself is very rare as I get older. Adulthood is not like high school when you get to express yourself every day, consequences be damned!

Halloween is the time of year when I can actually talk about the darkness that lurks in all of our minds. This is the only time of year that even the most innocent souls are curious to know what horrors lie out there, waiting to be discovered. It’s addicting, learning what people believe in and their opinions on the paranormal/supernatural.

The realm of the dead bleeds over into the minds of almost everyone, especially in the wake of autumn. The days succumb to darkness much earlier. The air is crisp. The leaves are crunchy. The air itself tastes like sweet apple cider and pumpkin seeds fresh from the oven. Our hearts crave sweets in this time of year, our brains crave spooks and frights. Our souls, however, crave protection from the evil on the other side of the thin veil.

Many still believe that from midnight on All Hallow’s Eve on to midnight November 1st the veil is lifted, freeing souls around the world; allowing them to wreak havoc on our world for an entire 24 hours before they are dragged back to whence they came. This may scare the superstitious, yet I look forward to it every single other day of the year. Halloween is when I get to free my mind, enrich my soul, and dance in the night with the souls of the dead.

Come, my companions, and frolic in the darkness amongst the spirits of the passed.

ghosts in the graveyards

Cemeteries are empty of souls.

One common misconception that bothers me is that cemeteries are always haunted. No one can say for sure what happens when you die or what you would think after such a major event, but let’s think logically about this. When you die, would you prefer to hover over your rotting corpse or would you prefer to be around your loved ones/favorite locations? Some would even find the need to finish an important goal or to share their pain from their last moments alive. Would those have occurred at their grave? It’s highly unlikely. Cemeteries are spooky because we know we are walking above once-living bodies that are in varying stages of decay. Don’t mistake those empty husks for the energy that gives us life (and possibly afterlife).

One cool thing about being overly sensitive in all of my senses is knowing that energy is everywhere. It also isn’t always left by someone who’s dead. Sometimes a very energetic person can leave their own cold/hot spots during extreme emotional events. When something extremely negative happens between living people the energy remains for hours, sometimes even weeks. I lived in a house as a child where the previous tenant abused his wife. Both were alive when they left, but their grief hung behind and invaded my mind when I had nothing else to occupy me. It was very palpable to me, as if they had just left the room after punching a hole in the wall and screaming angrily at each other.

This may have played a major part in my tuning in to energy leftover from emotion; some call it being an “empath” (I think of it as being sensitive). With this extra level of awareness I have been able to sense things that others overlook. You can sense it, too, with proper training/experience! Next time someone walks in the room at your house, close your eyes and focus on the small changes in the room. Does the air feel heavier or lighter? Are you warmer or colder? Do you imagine a certain sound (like birds chirping or Darth Vader’s theme)? Then focus on how your energy feels in your body. Are you suddenly tired or excited? Are the hairs on your arms standing up? You will eventually learn to tell which energies are affecting you externally. You can use this to help you in your ghost hunts or simply in everyday life to weed out negative people.

This entry wasn’t really going anywhere in particular, so if you have any questions or comments please post them! If you’d like me to elaborate on anything in particular, I would be happy to do so, as well.

Underachiever

Everyone has heard the term “self sabotage” but how many are willing to admit they participate in it? I’ve recently been made aware of my fear of success. I slack off at work, I half-ass my school work, I ignore new friends, I refuse to work out or eat healthy, and I just drift through life like a waste of space.

The toughest part is knowing I could excel at anything if I tried.

So why don’t I try? Why don’t I make an effort? Those who suffer from mental illnesses tend to experience resistance towards anything that will help them get better; including taking medication. Despite my awareness of this issue, I still suffer from it and have made no effort to get better. The me that sits in the center of my soul is shouting in frustration for me to just accept help. The outer layers of me are smothered in the dark shadows of depression, attacked by anxiety, and distracted by my failure to improve.

I want to get better, but I also know that the path to a cure is so, so, so difficult. The hardest part is this first step. The first of many difficult steps that will eventually get easier as time goes on.

What I need is a swift kick in the ass to get me moving.

heartache

Plenty of things in my life are going so very well. The darkness has crept in and changed my relief to heartache that never seems to lessen.

Unfortunately, the loss of a potential child is hurting me more than I had ever anticipated. The moment it was over, my heart filled with regret. I now have the inexplicable urge to replace it. Knowing that the same reasons are in place for not having a child at this point in my life, my sex drive has disappeared. I’m too afraid to go through this again. My relationship isn’t suffering per se but it is now filled with an expectant tension most days. As understanding as my love is, I understand how tough it is for him to truly comprehend my reasons for not wanting sex. He is respectful and supportive, but I can’t help but worry that he feels rejected or that I am becoming uninterested in him. No one is more attractive to me than he is.

In past relationships I had frequently kept a straying eye on attractive strangers and coworkers. This is the first relationship I have truly been happy in. In turn, I don’t have the slightest interest in any other people. No one looks appealing, no one seems flirtatious. I have never felt so secure in a bond with another person before now. This is a wonderful thing, yet I feel tainted. I’ve given my all to people who did not deserve a single shred of it. In turn, I took bits of them with me upon parting and not many bits have been from their good sides. Please, God (or whatever the hell is out there), do not let me fuck this up because of my past. Please let me love fully and honestly. Please let me give him the same amount of love and respect that he gives me every single day.

past lives

I’ve spent a while focusing on getting over the negative portions of my life. Although plentiful, do they really matter in the long run?

My personal theory on spirituality is a mix of many others’ theories; I just happened to come to these conclusions myself before realizing many philosophers and religions mention exactly what I could not articulate. It’s too daunting of a task to sit here and list each of my beliefs on the soul and reality, but one thought in particular has been on my mind frequently today.

Past lives.

I’ve come to realize that most of the population can at least entertain the idea of past lives even if it conflicts with their religious beliefs. So many recollections and encounters that I have read/heard/seen myself are so similar in nature that I can’t deny them in good conscience.

In order to really explain why I am a believer, I need to backtrack a bit and tell a somewhat paranormal story from my childhood. When I had just barely turned five years old I had moved in to a house with my single mom. Having no siblings, I comfortably rested in my very own bedroom. My twin sized bed was against the wall underneath my window. On one evening I woke up cold as ice. Not thinking much of it initially, I rolled over to make sure my window was shut. There was a man laying in my bed next to me fully clothed in professional business attire from head to toe. His mustache was neatly trimmed and his haircut looked fresh. The only thing that kept him from looking completely normal was that he was as white as a marble statue. When he looked at me I could see that his eyes were just white; no iris or pupil. As any kid would, I freaked the hell out and woke my mom up. I spent the rest of the night shivering and clutching her arm while she tried to sleep. Shortly thereafter, she thought it may be a good idea to take me to a psychic that her best friend recommended. I don’t remember anything about the visit other than playing with a zen garden and feeling a warm safe light around me. I don’t know what we discussed or who I thought she was. I had forgotten about it until I was a teenager and odd things began to happen. (That’s another blog entry in the future, sorry guys.) My mom told me the psychic believed I was a young Egyptian boy who was a very, very old soul. A different friend of hers saw a different psychic a few years later. They discussed me and mentioned that I was an Egyptian boy who was an old soul. I had only found out about this encounter after I showed a natural inclination to ancient Egyptian culture.

Throughout my life I have felt memories that I don’t believe are from my current life. The first clear one I remember was quite violent and I had a strong feeling it was in self-defense. I had hair and blood between my fingers with bits of bone fragments. I could feel the horror, the shame, the fear, and the adrenaline. This memory came with the strong thought that I was royalty and defending my family. I was jogging in Phys Ed when this memory struck. It was so random and vivid that I nearly fainted. I still don’t know where it came from or if it was even my memory.

The next memory came in a dream. In reality, I had yet to learn about any geographical wonders like Machu Picchu. In the dream, that is most definitely where I was. The tiered hills were filled to the brim with joyous people in ritualistic clothing. Everyone was drinking out of crude golden goblets and singing to the sky. The sun was coming close to setting and the air felt tingly with energy. A man with bright orange hair like fire (I’m thinking maybe this was ceremonial cloth or feathers) offered me a goblet. It was filled with blood and some kind of wine. I felt at home and excited for the night to come. Years later, I learned about Machu Picchu in school. Upon seeing the photos of this place my jaw dropped. This was not the last time I had dreamed about real places before knowing about them, but the others are so much less significant I will leave them out for now.

After having so many memories that don’t fit my current life, I decided to seek out a hypnotherapist who specializes in past life regression therapy. As much of a believer as I am, I admit even I was highly skeptical. Once the session was done, however, my mind was beyond blown by the detail I could recall. I recognized people in my past as people who I already have deemed my soulmates in this life. Soulmates do not have to be romantic, mind you. The memory drawn out by the therapist was about me being a Native American woman whose tribe was destroyed, forcing me to relocate with the only other survivor. I later married him and had his daughter. He was killed by white men a few years later. Through the memory of the clothing and dwellings, I was able to determine the specific tribes I had been part of and the time I was there. Personally, I have never found American history to be interesting in the slightest. Now, I can’t get enough of it. My daughter is now my little sister who I love as dearly as a daughter. I couldn’t find my mother but I knew she was there. The man I married was recognizable as the man I had started dating only two months or so before my therapy session. Things have gone so easily and so well with him that I have no doubt we have been married before.

Goodness, that took forever to type out!

My main point in sharing this is that each and every life we live is chosen before we are born. Each lifetime has a valuable lesson that your soul must learn before moving to the next lesson. Once your soul has achieved the required knowledge to move on, it does. I don’t know how I know this for certain but my gut tells me it is absolutely true. I believe my lesson in this life is patience. While I know that, I still struggle to achieve it every day. I still have plenty of time to try and try again. The difficulties I endure in this life are crucial to the learning process. I know I get hurt (easily) and things don’t go my way, but that is intentional to teach me to appreciate what does come easily. You can not have light without darkness.

When you are struggling in life, remember that it is only a lesson. It won’t be a problem for all of eternity. Do your best to focus on the root of the problem and how you can fix it. If you aren’t sure you can fix it, meditate on it as often as you can. The answer will come to you.