happiness isn’t for me

It would seem that happiness isn’t meant for everyone. Some, like myself, are here to serve others and never feel the joy of having their own family or their own intrinsic value.

I’m only valuable in what I can offer others.

Every time I’ve been given the chance to have a family I give it away or sabotage it. Everyone who has ever loved me has had their hearts crushed to a pulp for essentially no reason other than me being crazy. Not to mention how cursed my womb is. Every time I get a chance to have my own little ray of sunshine it goes away. Every time. Every job I get, every opportunity… burned to nothing.

I no longer have hope for a career or a family or friends. All I’m going to do is dedicate myself to finding a cure for the mental illnesses I have. I can’t live with others suffering like I’ve suffered. I have to try to fix it for them even if I can’t fix it for myself.

There is no more hope. No more trying for anything for myself. I’m done with that.

It’s time to simply focus on working for a cure for others. Soon I’ll be in a school that’ll help me get my PhD in psychology and maybe someday people will have a better form of help than what’s available right now. Right now therapy and medications don’t seem to fucking work so it’s time to change the entire system. If I can’t have the help I need, fine. But I need others in the future to have it.

Here’s to hoping I can make a difference.

-_-

Tired.

So tired.

 

My mind is deteriorating so much and it’s beyond frustrating. The average person is so shitty at understanding mental illness and its effects. It’s not like I want to be late to work or forget my schedule. I’m not trying to make all sorts of medical appointments during work hours. I can only do so much with Medicaid approved facilities… I have to bend to their schedule availability. I can’t help or change that (unless I want to risk a tooth infection going septic and killing me or enduring massive amounts of pain from various other medical issues).

I’ve made a request for ADA Reasonable Accommodations at work. My doctor won’t sign off on it because they say a psychiatrist needs to. My psychiatrist is an asshole who doesn’t listen to me when I tell him my reactions to medications and medication withdrawals (and also made a bad decision for me medication-wise that ultimately led to me attempting suicide) so I don’t trust him to sign off on it either. Plus, it takes 8-10 weeks to even get an appointment.

Being poor is bullshit.

Being mentally ill is bullshit.

Suffering at work because everyone thinks you’re crazy and shouldn’t work there sucks. Especially when my supervisor with recently acquired brain damage gets so much sympathy and special treatment. We both have sick brains on the mend. Mine wasn’t from a physical injury though, so fuck me, right?

fml

Things completely falling apart rn:

Phsyically:
– Fibromyalgia (worse because of stress)
– Tooth infection, maybe need a root canal
– Possible intestinal disease; getting biopsy next month
– Two menstrual cycles in a 3 week span
– Re-pinched sciatic nerve
– Can’t stop losing weight, starting to worry

Mentally/Financially:
– Work h8s me since I had a psych ward stint and missed time
– … psych ward stint
– Idk where tf I’m gonna live
– I need ~$5k to move anyway
– Pretty deep in debt as it is
– How tf am I gonna pay medical expenses?
– Car has trouble starting pretty often

Emotionally:
– Got dumped (RE: psych ward stint)
– High school crush came back in to my life, buuuuuut lives far enough to where I can’t see them much
–  “Best” friend of 15 yrs is a dickwad and out of my life now
– Not many friends anymore in general
– Family says they’re supportive but they don’t get it so they suck at support
– FML