It’s so hard to have such a deep craving and not be able to articulate what you’re craving. I simply don’t know. All I know is that my chest aches and my body feels heavy. My mind is trying to break. My soul wants to be free.
How can you live so closely with others in society but feel so isolated?
Others are around me, always. In my mind I’m stuck in solitary confinement. Daydreams and fantasies are all I want in there with me. Reality is harsh and unwelcoming. Withdrawing is my go-to. Is it helping? I can’t say.
So many experiences in life that I want to have but they’re… dark. I can’t tell others what I want to feel, what I want to see. Enticing, seductive… the darkness tickles me. I need to know that these feelings are okay and that I shouldn’t cram them down in to my subconscious anymore.
It’s like being split in to two people.
One half of me is the Hermione-esque full time student with a 4.0 GPA. She has friends and is social. She has a great job and her coworkers love her. Her relationship is pure and stable. Her family is welcoming and loving.
The other half is completely different. She hates being around other humans. She tried to kill herself last month and only left ugly scars in a highly visible place. She craves pain and control. She’s sexually deviant and can’t indulge for fear of losing her romantic relationship. She’s completely alone.
How can the two be merged? How can the two cooperate? How can I resolve this cognitive dissonance?
All I know is that I can’t keep going forward as long as this turmoil is ripping my insides to pieces. I can’t keep fighting myself like this.
Who am I really and who do I want to be?