withdrawal nightmare

I have to get this dream out of my head. Here’s some backstory so that it is slightly easier to follow:

Right now I am suffering from painful SSRI (anti-depression medication) withdrawals (yes, my doctor is who had me ween off of them, it wasn’t a simple decision made on my own). I know it doesn’t sound serious if you have not been through it, but I assure you it is in the ballpark of opiate withdrawals. Shivers, flu symptoms, dizziness (so extreme that I can’t drive), “brain zaps”, muscle aches, extreme anger (and all negative emotions come to think of it), as well as many other things that I am done boring you with. I cry at the drop of a hat over almost everything and I’m so emotional that I can’t handle work or school right now. It is only temporary, but being in my 2nd or 3rd week straight of this I’m starting to feel a little hopeless.

In high school I had a friend that we can refer to as “C” for privacy’s sake. We were such close friends that we called each other our respective twin. Our bond was so close I thought that nothing could ever break it. Eventually we realized we were this close because of sexual attraction, but we could not act on it since I was in a long term relationship with his best friend for seven years. Unfortunately, C stopped caring and stopped respecting us. I started getting nudes, dirty texts, and advances in person. As much as I wanted those and shamefully reciprocated a few, I knew we could not carry on that way and remain friends. My guilt escaped through admittance, I was forgiven, and I tried to move on with my then-boyfriend. We cut C out of our lives completely. Later we learned through mutual friends that C was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and severe depression. I still feel awful about leaving him without his two best friends during the biggest time of need and I often blame myself for some of his depression and his fears of abandonment. I’m too weighted down with the fear of accepting this blame to make amends or to speak to him again.

My dream started off as me playing Majora’s Mask with the childhood friend who introduced video games in to my life for the long term. We were playing and enjoying reminiscing until, oh my, it was nearly 3 am! Being 25 it was weird to be back in this room  I had spent so much time in as a kid. It was even weirder to walk back home (literally next door) to find my mom still up having a drink with C’s mom.

C’s mom was wiping tears from her eyes with a Kleenex and went quiet as I entered the room. My mom took me aside and we almost stepped on a tiny scorpion (I am unsure what that symbology means in dreams). She let me know that C had started taking massive amounts of steroids and despite looking damn good, his heart was failing at age 24. She said his cartoid artery [after waking I looked up parts of the heart and found it was actually his superior vena cava] was not connected to anything anymore and he may only have a few hours to live (because dreams are just so realistic like that). I panicked and instantly demanded to get his phone number so I can talk to him. She refused saying it would be rude to wake his family at that hour. Crying, I reminded her they were most likely awake and at his side with the obvious exception of C’s mom in the room. She gave in and gave me his cell phone number. I called him to apologize and he decided he wants to come see me.

Immediately upon entering the room it’s apparent that he has some sort of hernia poking out of his chest where his heart should rest and his heart is lower than his stomach; somewhat near his right hip bone. The was a circle suctioned to his skin and I realized this was his cartoid artery searching for life outside of his body. I gave him a hug as gently but tightly as I could. His artery/vein suctioned to me and without thinking, my mom ripped us apart to “solve” the problem. He instantly collapsed as if dead. Overwhelmed with horror I fell on to him and begged him not to die yet. He responded by wrapping his arms around me and trying to kiss me. Knowing he only had hours left to live at most, I obliged and went with it. He asked me why we never tried to make it work with each other. My response was that we couldn’t build a relationship off of our romance only occurring when one of us was cheating. Despite that reply, I gave him another heartfelt kiss. Naturally, this is when my current boyfriend walks in [he has never met C] and had no idea what was going on. I tried explaining but it obviously didn’t sound truthful because it was such an extravagant circumstance. He stormed off threatening to walk in to a fire (one was conveniently burning in my backyard near us).

I became torn between comforting C in every way I could until he passed away and reconciling with the love of my life. As I was pacing back and forth between the two (running from one to the other like an indecisive maniac) C thought I was leaving him again and he died right then and there. My dream ended with me collapsing to my knees and screaming in anguish over the loss.

I feel like this dream is asking me to befriend C again, or to at least apologize to him for letting romance/sexual tension ruin the friendship we had. At the same time, I feel like the dream is warning me not to talk to him again because I’d be endangering my current healthy relationship. Regardless, my eyes are still wet with tears and my heart hurts as if I’m the one with complications. There is also the deep fear that this was prophetic and that he will die soon without ever knowing how sorry I am.

Does anyone else have a different insight or advice to offer? What is this dream trying to tell me?

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