Plenty of things in my life are going so very well. The darkness has crept in and changed my relief to heartache that never seems to lessen.

Unfortunately, the loss of a potential child is hurting me more than I had ever anticipated. The moment it was over, my heart filled with regret. I now have the inexplicable urge to replace it. Knowing that the same reasons are in place for not having a child at this point in my life, my sex drive has disappeared. I’m too afraid to go through this again. My relationship isn’t suffering per se but it is now filled with an expectant tension most days. As understanding as my love is, I understand how tough it is for him to truly comprehend my reasons for not wanting sex. He is respectful and supportive, but I can’t help but worry that he feels rejected or that I am becoming uninterested in him. No one is more attractive to me than he is.

In past relationships I had frequently kept a straying eye on attractive strangers and coworkers. This is the first relationship I have truly been happy in. In turn, I don’t have the slightest interest in any other people. No one looks appealing, no one seems flirtatious. I have never felt so secure in a bond with another person before now. This is a wonderful thing, yet I feel tainted. I’ve given my all to people who did not deserve a single shred of it. In turn, I took bits of them with me upon parting and not many bits have been from their good sides. Please, God (or whatever the hell is out there), do not let me fuck this up because of my past. Please let me love fully and honestly. Please let me give him the same amount of love and respect that he gives me every single day.


One thought on “heartache

  1. I am sorry for your lost .. please don’t be discourage , don’t give up because your baby is in heaven and he or she is praying for you. Your baby is in good care . In Matthew 5:4 it saids ” Blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted ” The Lord is up there watching over you and He knows exactly how you feel . All circumstances in life happened for a reason without it life is meaningless . In life all of us will face good and bad time . A time to rejoice , a time to cry . Each day is a process to help you to get strong in person and God will not allowed anything happened beyound what you can bear . As a creator and an author of your life . He knows what it is best for you .

    Do not give up . Don’t caught in the prison of your past because you can’t possibly go back but move forward . Good or bad , your lifes still have to go on . Don’t allow your circumstances to stop you from seeing the good things ahead of you . Pray to Lord and abide in His word because it is the best source of streght you can ever find .



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