Plenty of things in my life are going so very well. The darkness has crept in and changed my relief to heartache that never seems to lessen.
Unfortunately, the loss of a potential child is hurting me more than I had ever anticipated. The moment it was over, my heart filled with regret. I now have the inexplicable urge to replace it. Knowing that the same reasons are in place for not having a child at this point in my life, my sex drive has disappeared. I’m too afraid to go through this again. My relationship isn’t suffering per se but it is now filled with an expectant tension most days. As understanding as my love is, I understand how tough it is for him to truly comprehend my reasons for not wanting sex. He is respectful and supportive, but I can’t help but worry that he feels rejected or that I am becoming uninterested in him. No one is more attractive to me than he is.
In past relationships I had frequently kept a straying eye on attractive strangers and coworkers. This is the first relationship I have truly been happy in. In turn, I don’t have the slightest interest in any other people. No one looks appealing, no one seems flirtatious. I have never felt so secure in a bond with another person before now. This is a wonderful thing, yet I feel tainted. I’ve given my all to people who did not deserve a single shred of it. In turn, I took bits of them with me upon parting and not many bits have been from their good sides. Please, God (or whatever the hell is out there), do not let me fuck this up because of my past. Please let me love fully and honestly. Please let me give him the same amount of love and respect that he gives me every single day.