anxiety won this week

Spring Break is always something to look forward to as a student, even if your time is spent mainly with working extra hours. It’s a week to let your brain relax (or party) and try and forget about your stress.

My spring break (being unemployed) was filled to the brim with exciting and cheap/free plans. All I had to do was write a quick three page essay that is due the day school picks back up. No problem. It’s even on a fun topic; legalizing marijuana for recreational use. I planned to write it on Monday to give myself a worry free week.

My little sister got too sick to go to school so I volunteered to help babysit. This was how I spent my time until Thursday. Poor little thing was miserable and going so stir crazy she couldn’t bear to let my attention wander.

Thursday, finally time to write my paper! I finished it in an hour and began to relax. That night was meant to be spent meeting my friend’s new baby daughter. Friday was going to be filled with classmates watching Pan’s Labyrinth for our Mythology final. Today was an event I’d been looking forward to for three months: a beer tour with my love and our best friends.

Anxiety turned a new ugly trick on me that has completely ruined my plans. I am covered in hives from forehead to ankles. Normally I like to dabble in plus sized modeling, yet I try not to put too heavy of an emphasis on my looks. Even in high school I rarely ever got a single pimple although I never used any sort of face wash. Right now I am struggling with looking like I have an extreme case of syphilis. The doctor’s advice was to take Benadryl and avoid lotions, sunlight, warm water, warm environments, and stress. I’ve been too upset to leave the house as covering the rash with makeup will only make it worse. Best part? This can last for up to two weeks and get worse as it goes. Naturally, stress makes hives worse. Guess how well I’ve been managing this?

Today I had my love sell my ticket to the beer tour and go without me. My day has been spent napping, being too depressed about missing out on fun to even play video games, and feeling sorry for myself. In an attempt to cheer me up, my family took me to Dairy Queen. I was feeling like I didn’t look so bad in a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Once we got there everyone either tried their best not to look anywhere near me or they stared at me with disgust. One old man was staring so hard at me that my grandfather had to confront him. Goodbye, confidence.

I have never had hives before or any type of skin condition. They’ve flared right back up due to my anxiety and embarrassment.

Anxiety may have destroyed my spring break, but next week I will do everything in my power to make every day feel amazing regardless of how I look.

In the meantime, I am painting my toenails and doing my hair. Vanity isn’t my focus, confidence is.

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